Celebrating Birthmothers

This afternoon I attended an adoption event with this local group. It was touching. This annual event seems a good way in the future to honor my child's birthmother. It was also thought provoking in several ways ... including one that I find surprising about myself. Here is how today's event was described:

Cincinnati area network of families touched by adoption offers a free and open to the public event Saturday May 1 from 1 - 3 PM. Recognizing and honoring adult adoptees and their birth mothers, adoptive mothers, and birth and adoptive grandmothers.

What I also learned at this event was that since 1990 the Saturday before Mother's Day has been celebrated as Birth Mother's Day. It is meant to be a way for adoptees and adoptive families to honor birth mothers.

Patti, an adoption social worker with 20+ yr experience and adoptive mother, facilitated this event. She is quoted on the website and said at the beginning: "This event is to honor the triad of adoption: birthmothers, adoptive mothers and the adopted child". When I registered I let Patti know that I was a prospective adoptive parent. She surprised me how quickly she was able to guess the name of our homestudy social worker. I had read about this event in the paper and did not know this group was started by Adoption Connection, our homestudy agency. We do not know as much about Adoption Connection (they were recommended by our original HSSW Cheri) and are our 3rd agency due to consolidations and closings. The program did not get started until 1:30 to allow time for everyone to get there. After signing in at the registration table I joined the nearest table of women. Seated there were an adoptive mother and her 30 year old daughter who is also a birthmother and another woman who I never found out anything about. A few minutes after I joined their table the adult adoptee/birthmother asked me what my adoption story was. I did not go into much detail just stated the facts that we are close, expect to adopt this fall, have been waiting 4 years and when asked told them we were going to China. This is the part where I was surprised. First there was a slight gasp and somewhat stunned looks at my mention of the length of our wait. That part I am sure I am not exaggerating. I'm also fairly certain they were communicating why not domestic? This birth mother/adult adoptee (who btw is 30 years old) asked me "why I had not gone online to find a child to adopt". Then she passed me a picture of the daughter she gave up for adoption and told me about the child's (Emma) adoptive family as well as her own mother, by adoption, seated next to her. I told her Emma was beautiful (which was absolutely true) and basically said nothing else. There was no way I could have explained our adoption choices. The thing that surprised me was nothing said or implied offended me or even made me feel uncomfortable. That would not have been the case 4 years ago. I know I would have been fine at that table however Patti the facilitator must have picked up on something as she came over and said she wanted to introduce me to a few people. It was kind of her and I did get to meet some interesting women ... including a fascinating woman named Christine who adopted twice from China. So at 1:30 we (about 30 total) sat in a big semi-circle. The group consisted of about at least 5-6 birthmothers, adult adoptees and adoptive grandmothers each and the majority I would say were adoptive mothers. We raised hands to define the sub-group we were in and although technically I do not belong to any Christine, seated next to me, said that for as long as I've waited I should raise my hand. Also odds are our baby is born by now. The event started with poems being read from the programs we were given. Here is one example written by the mother of this child. My Little Baby

by Nada H.

I close my eyes and breathe you in

Enraptured by the touch

and the softness of your skin

Forever in my heart

A love so amazing

My little baby

You bless our lives through God's design

Before you were born, baby you were mine

And I can't imagine my life without you

Baby, mommy knows that one day

You're going to want to know

from where you came

A different kind of mommy

with a different name

She did the best she could do

Don't you ever doubt it

we can talk about it

You're going to have hurts

that I just cannot fix

With a there, there now

and your mamma's kiss

But my baby,

I can promise you this ...

I'll always be here for you.

I close my eyes and breathe you in

enraptured by the touch

and the softness of your skin

You're so amazing.

Following the poetry there was a votive candle ceremony. Then randomly people started telling their stories and pictures. The honesty was impressive. There were not many dry eyes in the room.